I had to bail my mom's car out for $278. My apartment will tow for any little thing so ... and I don't know when she can pay that back to me. She paid me back $325 today, which I've already deposited, but until Approximately $400 of other debts are paid back to me ... well ... I'm about $400 short. I'm not really that stressed about it though. I'm getting $125 tomorrow for the rest of my couch ...

My mom got a job at Kroger, by the way! Yep. In the bakery. So happy for her.

Tomorrow is Thursday ... Friday, Bev and Claudia are going to feed Austin and me for lunch ... then Saturday we're having dinner with Austin's Dad, uncle, and my mom ...

I don't have a job in Muncie yet ... but I'm taking $800 out of my savings/investment account to cover some extra bills, and in August or September, I'm going to begin the process of relinquishing my Texas Teacher Retirement money (long, technical, reasons as to why I can/will do this) as it won't be doing much good in Texas anymore ... so even if I don't get a teaching job, I know I'll be okay for a while. I know I will be.

After about a week or two settling in in Muncie, I'm going to look for a restaurant job. After teaching for a year, I know I could do it, no problem ... and it's the most lucrative job I can think of right now ...

I found a really cool chair in a dumpster and refinished it. It's nice ...

Oh man, I really don't have anything to say. I will, just ... not right now.

Oh yeah! I bought SPACE BAGS! Hell yes. They work too. I have like 999999 pillows in a jumbo bag and all my dirty clothes and some purses and coats in a jumbo cube and it's like, all compact and stuff now ...

Okay, this is soooo pointless.

I just don't feel like writing/expressing lately. I just want to do work and get organized and that's where my head is. I'm feeling peaceful and pretty excited, I suppose ... Stella's getting so big and cuddly ... I know that's random but ... okay ...

Haha, alright, I'll update with something more substantial later. I really will. And expect pictures of my yankee abode next week.

I am home early watching Maury for the first time in years while my mom makes chicken wings in the oven.

Maury is funny.

And this was probably better left for a tweet, but ... I don't know ... I feel good. Peaceful.

Yesterday was my class day of full classes with the kids. Today I only get to see my first period class, since they're taking finals for 1st and 7th periods and I don't have a 7th. If I'm really expected to stay until 3:50 today, I'm going to be bored as hell.

I brought my camera and tripod to take class pictures with them.

I also wrote a letter for them that I'll post here for you all to read later.

I just need to make copies.

I'm beginning to realize how very un-funny I am! Why does everything I talk about in my journal have to be so emo and feelings?

I guess because I don't have voice post. If I had voice post I'd post with me saying in my Moaning Myrtle voice: "It took Cedric ages to riddle it out. Almost aaaaall the bubbles were gone..." Danielle, apparently, hates it.

Nothing seems important enough to talk about. Nothing about myself. Nothing about anyone else or anything else. All I can think about is rediscover_me and phoinos ... Liza, you are loved.

I am hoping and praying that I have found my home in Muncie.

http://muncie.craigslist.org/apa/1149435659.html

The picture there is horrible, but you can see it on Google Street View. It's a white house right on the corner of Walnut and Columbus. It's a two story home, but the rental is for a two bedroom area on the bottom floor with a basement and a porch. $375 a month, I pay utilities. It's right across the street from the high school Austin would have attended, and the school that many of his friends did. It's also right across the street from Concannon's, the best donuts in the WORLD! If the girls came to visit, they'd have their own room, and we could walk across the street in the morning for the tastiest breakfast ever.

Only cons are that there's no fence for Stella, and the area isn't particularly fantastic, but the police station is two blocks away and the high school is across the street. The people aren't bad, just ... redneck, haha. But really, I know I could make this place look great.

They also said Stella would be NO problem at all. There's not even a pet deposit or anything.

Austin's going to go look at it with his dad tomorrow, and I said that if he loves it, just write the deposit check and I'll put the money in his account.

They showed the property twice today, so I hope neither of those people put down a deposit. :( I really don't know if I'm going to find a deal like this any other time. I love the idea of having a second bedroom, I really do. I love having company and I love making them comfortable, so that would just be great.

Eep. I hope I can get it! Then, that's one problem solved, and furthermore, I won't have to worry so much about finding $500+ a month for rent for an apartment where I feel like I live in a hotel.



700 N Walnut St

Sometimes, I honestly feel like all the music and art and youthful passion has been drained from my spirit, and I've been left with nothing but the shell of an average working American. And it's not fair that I never got to say goodbye.

I know you're in there, I know you're in there, I know you're in there. Come out, come out, come out.

For those of you who are on my twitter and saw my tweet in which I appeared to have quite nearly lost my mind, here's background, and here's why I feel bad, now.

In February, on a rainy day, in crawling, 5 mph traffic, I rear ended a woman while passing under 610 going west on Westheimer. Someone honked their horn to my right, so I turned to see if everything was okay and to make sure no one was honking at me, and when I turned back to look out the windshield, I "slammed" into her at about 10 mph, as, like I'd said, traffic was crawling and we were all stopping and going a lot.

Anyway, she was horrible and wouldn't talk to me, nor would she heed my advice that maybe we shouldn't STAY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD IN THE RAIN AT 5PM IN HELLISH TRAFFICVILLE, USA ... she just called a cop, looking all distressed and angry. Cop came and told us to move out of the road.

Please note there was NO DAMAGE AT ALL TO EITHER CAR. I hit her hard enough to startle anyone, but as far as bumpers go, it was a tap. There wasn't even a scratch. It was pathetic.

The cop ticketed me for failure to control speed, and then told me that if I plead not guilty to this, that everything will be dismissed if he, HE, doesn't show up to contest the plea. Basically, this cop was a badass. Not only did he graduate from the high school I work at, but he specifically gave me instructions on how to get out of this ticket, and made it a point to suggest that the other woman was a basket case, and that this could have happened to anyone. I wasn't texting or looking at my iPod or anything so, yeah.

So I did that, got a new court date, and yesterday I went for that court date. And when I got there, and was called up, this woman explained to me what would happen if I decided to go ahead and plead not guilty. She mentioned that the woman was here. (This woman also tried to claim injury but my insurance company argued remarkably on my behalf, even showing proof from a dealership that there was no damage to either car to suggest I was going fast enough to do anything, and all the woman was eligible for was a free check up from her doctor.)

I was like, "What woman?" That's with this lady, bailiff or whatever, told me that yeah, she was here to argue her case. So it turns out, the cop misinformed me and that it in fact had to be the chick I hit who had to show up and point to me and go, "Yeah, that was her." So I started crying because number one, I felt lied to. And number two, I don't have the money for defensive driving or a ticket.

In the end, my date was reset for May 27th, and on that day I have to go pay $100something for defensive driving, lest I get "points" or something on my driver's licence.

On the way out, I fake cried (and the Oscar goes to) right in this bitch's face to see if she
had any feelings at all. She had the snarliest, greediest face.

And the reason it upset me so much was that even if I got out of the ticket, she wouldn't get anything for it. The ONLY reason she showed up was for revenge. To see me get a ticket, to get charged with guilty for this stupid thing, this stupid thing that ISN'T WORTH ANYTHING, not even to our cars since there was no damage at all. She is the embodiment of every kind of human being I hate.

And the reason I feel bad is because it mattered so very much to me.

I texted Austin, I cursed, I called her horrible names, and had I any less of a mind I probably would have been tempted to turn violent.

My temper is just tremendous ... and I don't want it to be. I don't know if its the anxiety, or what, but all the peace I try to maintain within myself and for others just went out the window because of this woman. I felt like such a hypocrite. She looked like the devil staring me in the face just to test me, to see if I really could do what I said I wanted so badly to be able to do. And I couldn't. My only consolation is that I was able to admit it.

So anyway ... I still have a lot of resentment in my heart toward this woman, whoever she is, and I want it to go away.

But just the other day, I saw an old, blue Toyota Camery ... and I still checked the license plate to see if it was Brenda.

I realized that if I saw Brenda in person today, it would still be so hard not to lunge at her, take one single shot at her, simply because I don't have the words, to this day, to express how much she took from me. I don't know if I'd be able to be calm.

Then, I wondered if I am secretly full of all the things I hate, and if true forgiveness really isn't nearly as easy I was under the impression it could be.

On a lighter note, JoAnna asked me if I went to the Spoon show on Tuesday. I told her about Pavement. I love my kids.

Oh, wow, my birthday is in just over three weeks.

I didn't think I was even supposed to be 23. Or twenty-anything. I thought I was going to be 17 for the rest of my life.

I survived. I am very tired. But I did it. I have to go judge a prose tournament now, but that's fine with me. I don't have any money on me, but I did hear that there refreshments?

What to do now, while I wait . . .

I attempt to write a song at least twice a month.

I haven't been able to finish one since August.

I hate it. I feel like a part of me is dead.

Fell, briefly, for gmail's autopilot prank this morning. Shame, shame, Ms. Morgan.

I wish some one would pull a horrible school wide prank that disrupted everything today. I'm bored. Every day, the same thing.

The bell for first will ring here in about twenty minutes. It's cold today. My hands are cold. I hate being cold.

I also kind of realized that the negativity was mostly hormonal. I think.

35 school days left. That's 8 weeks and 3 days. Including TAKS week.

I am just sitting here with a stomach ache, typing a new line out on LJ just about every minute.

My life feels really dark and gray and gloomy and anxiety ridden right now. And I have no desire to stop feeling that way while I'm working here because I feel like my job doesn't deserve me trying to enjoy it.

My logic is all skewed. My ability to bounce back is diminished. But the way I feel when I'm on a long break ... like I can accomplish anything ... like I really am free and capable. That's when I feel like myself.

You know, I wonder what would happen if I put an ad on Craigslist saying that I will take pictures on the cheap. Then that little side income could add up and I'd have a bit more money to move with.

Okay, all my grades have been put in and I'm going to administer a quiz today, so I should probably go.

I'm updating my flickr account regularly now! And I know at least two of you have flickr accounts but I don't have your names memorized. So click here and add me please?

flickr.com/photos/thefarewellparty

:) Thank you! I promise to update it as often as I have pictures to update with.

I have so many papers to put into the gradebook. I procrastinate crap like that ALL the time.

I feel more unhappy and weird today than I have in a long, long time.

I was so close to having an accident on the highway this morning that would have been really, really, really bad if God or someone hadn't helped me regain control of my car.

The funny thing is that it happened after I started thinking really morbid thoughts about how more than several times a week I have this overwhelming sensation that I'm not supposed to make it into old age. I don't know. I've felt that way since I was a teenager and I'm still alive, so it could just be my own pessimism.

I called Austin after the highway thing and felt like I wanted to cry, but nothing came out, which is usually how it is. I told him how I feel like I'm just surrounded in this cloud of negativity that I can't get out of the way I'd been able to as of late. It was like there was a huge brick on me. And he and I both agreed that that brick was my job.

I want to make a collage about my ideal life. Because I do have an ideal and I do feel like it's completely reasonable. You want to know what my ideal life would be?

Part time professional photographer, part time youth leader. part time small business owner.

I want to take pictures during the day, do some weddings here and there, own my own shop (books, movies, and music with a cafe and small venue which ultimate expands into a venue large enough for bigger shows), and I want to be a youth leader for a church, preferably, or a community center.

I can see myself having this business. Buying a building, gutting it, remodeling it ... specializing in indie books, music, and film ... cafe on the side with free wi-fi where people can come hang out. Shows in the evening. Eventually I could leave the business with a manager while I take ownership, and I can leave to do photography for extra pocket cash. And with any extra time, I want to be a mentor to teens in some regard. At least, I want some combination of all this.

That is my ideal life. That is how I'd be happy. All of this, and then getting married and having a few kids. I'd be busy, but again, if you love what you do, you'll never work a day in your life.

I want to make a collage of all these things and put it on my wall and remind myself all the time of what I'm striving for.

If I teach again next year, most of my income will go to photography equipment and maybe even some lessons or books so I can get a lot better. I'm not amazing, and I want to get better. I want to really, really know what I'm doing.

My dream life is throwing away my clock (for the most part) ... it's waking up when the sun is already here, is methodically tidying up a bit before heading out for a coffee and then out to the shop or studio. It's laughing. It's being healthy, and having the heart to want to be healthy as opposed to being so unhappy, all I want is a big milkshake to make it all go away. It's telling kids what they need to hear instead of what my supervisors tell me I'm supposed to tell them. It's be there, giving them an adult they can trust, not administering exams, adding to their stress. It's spending my evenings with the pictures I take and my family and Stella.

Today marks two years. Hm.

O, second period Reading!
How do I love thee?
Humorous and gentile
Needing of understanding
Receptive to guidance
Silent and still midst instruction
Kind to the school librarian
Punctual and competitive
Bright eyed, inquisitive, cooperative
Only twelve of you to mind.
Second period Reading!

11 reasons why I love Stella.

1. She doesn't judge anyone. She greets them all with the same amount of enthusiasm and excitement. Black, white, brown, handicapped, gay, straight, coming up to me in a ski mask holding a knife ... saying "hello" is the only polite thing to do, I guess!

2. It doesn't matter how many times she hits her head on the coffee table, she never lets it turn her day sour.

3. She doesn't give up, no matter how many times she's knocked down. One day she will befriend one of the cats, she just knows it.

4. She's not a prissy girl. Regardless of how pretty she knows she is, she has no reservations when it comes to rolling around in mud puddles.

5. The way she looks at me sometimes. I don't think her eyes ever say anything except, "You're my favorite." ... Although I guess sometimes they say, "Look, you're my favorite, but I REALLY need to go to the bathroom so can we hurry this up?"

6. Although I guess sometimes they say, "I don't know what you're talking about," when she's on the sofa and I tell her to get down. Let's put that here because I actually do really love that about her. The fact that I just can't get angry at her.

7. She forgives everyone. She doesn't understand revenge. She won't partake in gossip. She is everything I'd hope to live up to, completely.

8. The way she greets me when I come home. "Omg, hi! Hi! What'd you do today? Where'd you go? Where's that ball ... can I show you my ball? Look! Look! You got me this ball! Did I ever say thanks? Thanks for this ball! You are amazing! Hi! Look, a cat! Did you see the cat? Did you get me this cat? Oh, who cares, thanks for the cat! Watch me, watch me!"

9. The way it feels to reach down from where I am in my chair or on the couch and feel her asleep next to me. And the way her eyes look when she looks up as if to say, "Yes? Oh, you just wanted to pet me? Okay, that works."

10. She cleans up for me when the cats get sick on the carpet. (I'm sorry, I won't stop her, she is a literal stain fighter.)

11. Nobody looks more chic in a turquoise bandana. Nobody.

Guys ...

why do you think I've never been able to lose weight? Knowing me. Why?

It isn't a lack of dedication ... look at all the other things I've managed to accomplish that have required a tremendous amount of dedication ... it's certainly not will power. God knows I'm willfull as hell.

Psychologically, why won't I allow myself to be skinny?

Not emaciated.

Just ... for fuck's sake, I want to ENJOY the beach in the summer and wear whatever clothes I want (nothing slutty, but like, short sleeves and stuff) ...

What the fuck is so hard about eating less and moving more for just two months? Seriously, I could lose 20 pounds in 2 months. That's perfectly acceptable. So I don't get it. Especially when so many other people in this world loose more than that in longer time.

What's with this?

I am making a new post just for this picture. One year, I went to the carnival with Lori and Jonas and these nutty lookin' carnie kids were there. I asked the nutty looking carnie dad if I could photograph them. He said yeah, sure, so I told them to smile, I took one shot.

You have NO idea how badly I wish I had an original RAW format of this saved somewhere so I could submit it to a journal or contest or something.

Look at the detail! The smile on the little girl's face. Her brother's mohawk. The fact that the little girl is HOLDING A FAKE GUN. The boobs on the left. Everything in this picture with the children as the focal point is a once in a life time shot. I need to blow this up and frame it but I can't use this little jpeg.

Seriously. That's money, and I don't have a good enough format to sell!

If you can't tell just by looking at the picture, the sister basically went back to beating up her brother after I stopped.

I posted this in another community I'm in, just showing off some of my favorite pictures I've ever taken. So if the captions make it seem like I don't know that you know who these people are, that's why. I didn't get to post ALL my favorite pictures, but these are the ones I could find that I loved. They've been taken over the last year, year and a half. Enjoy!

( 13 of my favorite pictures I've taken. )